1. You don’t buy winter clothes
If you spend your money on sweaters, scarves, and hats then winter will win and you will look like a pumpkin on sticks. Throwing a jacket on top of a long sleeve shirt is the most acknowledgment the negative temperatures are going to get from you. You would rather stay fabulous and ignore the cold until it goes away.
2. You won’t go outside when you know that even Antarctica is warmer right now
Minus 17 degrees Celcius is for penguins, not for people. If someone wants to hang out with you, they can either come to your house or schedule a video chat. Your social life can wait until that ‘I hate winter’ feeling passes.
3. You intentionally make your friends hate you every time you manage to escape to a warmer place…
All your freezing friends should suffer and find out about your January beach vacation through your Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest, Google+, YouTube channel, Periscope. You capture every detail from your legs and the sea in the background to your sandy feet, a closeup of your cocktail, you doing yoga on the beach (even though you don’t do yoga in real life), the shells you have collected. Hashtag ‘wishingyouwerehere’ when you really don’t.
4. …because you know how it feels when someone does that to you.
Your friend below the Equator deserves to get sunburn blisters for showing off her tan lines while there are people who sizzle every time they have to lift their warm blanket in the morning. What is wrong with the world? People nowadays have no compassion.
5. You complain about the cold to every person you talk to.
Winter is inhumane, dull, boring, depressing, brutal. You can’t tolerate it. It deserves to die. You check the weather forecast every day but you keep living in denial, hoping that the winter will be gone in a week. Why does it have to be cold anyway? It doesn’t make sense to say that ‘we need snow.’ It never snows in Hawaii and yet the Hawaiians are doing just fine without it. Winter sports, winter holidays, snowmen, and snow angels are severely overrated. Maybe you should write a book on how much you hate winter.
6. If you can’t go to the beach, the beach will come to your room.
You look at the snow through your window but don’t feel the cold because you have boosted the heater to sustain a T-shirt weather temperature in your room. Your electricity bill quadruples but you don’t care because you are so winning this war. You 37, winter -7.
7. You have the perfect excuse not to go to the gym – ‘I hate winter.’
You feel that your body stores extra fat to keep you warm even after you eat an apple. But you would rather turn the heater up and hope it melts away than walk through the giant fridge outside to get to the gym. It’s not like you don’t want to go, you just can’t. There is a reason why it’s called a ‘summer body’ and not a ‘winter body.’
8. Your house is seriously loaded with food.
Because you have seen The Day After Tomorrow‘s super freeze scenes and right now it really feels like there is an apocalypse outside. Going out to the store is painful and so you limit the number of these trips. Jars, cans, meats, pickled vegetables, frozen vegetables. You have enough food to survive until the next rays of sunshine that give you a little hope that it might get warmer outside.
9. You promise yourself that this is the last winter you will spend in a cold country. Four years in a roll.
Seriously, this one is the last last one. You will learn how to work remotely and move to Bali or Thailand next September.